Just me again

I’m not really alone, but a loner with people. I never used to be this way. Life taught me not to be such a people person . People come and go in life. I suppose it’s like in the Bible. It NEVER SAYS THIS TO CAME TO STAY , IT ALWAYS SAYS THIS TO CAME TO PASS. With everything and body, I suppose. I find simple comforts now, peacefully paddling my kayak or trekking through the woods alone but..the woods or river is so alive! I find comfort here..you here.. I’m not crazy, I feel those who’ve passed and gone on whimpering.. I listen..no longer do I grieve for those alive who’ve left..I guess I never really knew them at all..I grieved for what I thought was..

A USED 2B For DMLG or however he hides himself nowadays!

Your hands flow so effortlessly across my body, knowingly. Lingering in just the right spots to make me beg for more. Your lips brush against mine, devouring me. I am melting as your teeth clench my lips. I cannot breathe, all thoughts elude me. All I feel is this moment, now ! This all consuming pleasure. I forget whatever trivia I was about to share. I have no other needs but to be where I am. No conversations that need to be had. There is nothing but this. Wrapped up by your arms in the thereafter, I revel in the newfound safety I’ve never had. I am contended not wanting to question any of it. Truly living in the blissful moment. Isn’t this what true happiness is, moments like these? Surprising even myself. I don’t know how or why, or when. It no longer matters. It just is. The moments that keep me wanting to be alive . The distance, space and even time has no relevance to these treasured moments . I don’t anticipate or need anything more yet I receive so very much. I only dare to hope somehow you know, what you do has such an positive impact.

THE love he lost.

Surprising even myself. I don’t know how or why, or when. It no longer matters. It just is. The moments that keep me wanting to be alive . The distance, space and even time has no relevance to these treasured moments . I don’t anticipate or need anything more yet I receive so very much.

I only dare to hope somehow you know, what you do has such an positive impact.

Your hands flow so effortlessly across my body, knowingly. Lingering in just the right spots to make me beg for more. Your lips brush against mine, devouring me. I am melting as your teeth clench my lips. I cannot breathe, all thoughts elude me. All I feel is this moment, now ! This all consuming pleasure. I forget whatever trivia I was about to share. I have no other needs but to be where I am. No conversations that need to be had. There is nothing but this. Wrapped up by your arms in the thereafter, I revel in the newfound safety I’ve never had. I am contended not wanting to question any of it. Truly living in the blissful moment. Isn’t this what true happiness is, moments like these?

Thoughts of a used to be friend in Brandon. The one who money prestige and appearances mean more that was in his teeny tiny heart. You know the guy the one who was always better than you, the one who always thought he was smarter than you more articulate than you and certainly more intelligent than you. Because that is all that makes the man is his feeling of superiority.

Can I see your soul through my eyes? Is that why your eyes don’t meet mine? There is no gazing into each other’s eyes you avoid looking at me directly. I came to despise the avoidances, the lies the excuses perhaps, even you. You thought I would always be there I’m sure. To give whatever […]

Thoughts of a used to be friend in Brandon. The one who money prestige and appearances mean more that was in his teeny tiny heart. You know the guy the one who was always better than you, the one who always thought he was smarter than you more articulate than you and certainly more intelligent than you. Because that is all that makes the man is his feeling of superiority.

Patricia and Nara Ranting and Raving My Moe too

For the first time my life I am so happy that I said I told you so. There was so much to love between the two of you nothing could ever make either of you let go. I always said I wanted to live to see the day but I could wrap my arms around my granddaughter One last time and tell her how much I loved her and never stopped and to hug her. I live to see that day!! I live to see the day when she returned to her mother who never stopped mourning for her. I love between the two is palatable! It is like they have always been together even though outside evil forces tore them apart physically. Emotionally they were so bound to each other mother and child. It was a beautiful thing to see 18 years ago is even more beautiful today when she returns. I know my granddaughter must have abandonment issues I see that because so do I. I only wish you could see we didn’t abandon her. It was other people’s feelings of superiority that tore her away from the family that never stopped loving her. That never rejected her that never said we don’t want her. I know her mom and I have cried many nights alone and together about time loss that could never be made up. I have a new goal now to look forward to see my 10-year-old grandson graduate from college lol. Despite his remark you NO I will not be over 100. I am so proud of this daughter life has been rough between us and for us. But all that pain lies an BS have came to light. I have heard to thank for lasting my grief for a man I believed I was married to was really just a mirage. He was a separate person to each one of us he became what he thought each one needed. Not thinking about the whole but thinking about him in the middle, individually selfishly. Certainly not the man I believed I had been grieving for close to 17 years. He taught me how to love he taught me how to grieve. He failed to tell me that he was telling each daughter a different story to make them cleave to him for what reason I have fail to see. I was always the villain the one who was being to him, poisoning him?! Well he was telling me I was the only reason he was alive. Is this a sociopath I do not know. What I do know is the tragic lives he left behind. I often wonder on the other side what did he find? I haven’t forgotten that at 48 he left before a 15-year-old. I realized he was sick then much more than his body could bear. I did not realize he actually made a pact with the devil as he said. I wish that were just another BS line that I had been fed. When telling me he had made a pack with a devil I think it was the most honest thing he had ever said to me. It saddens me to think anyone would go that far to Make his adult daughters dependent on him. When I thought it was always best to raise your children to be strong independent woman. Relying on no one but themselves. They all had the intelligence and the strength to be those independent woman that I always thought they should be. Little did I realize he was telling them the exact opposite that he couldn’t live with me without them? Really what is this I lived with and loved for so many years? I do not know what you call it. I do not know what it is. What I do know is at the stage of my life there will be no more shed tears. I do not warn for you anymore. Because I have no idea who you were before. Did the tragic accident change you or were you always this way? Did I ever know you when you were not on drugs? I have never lived around it I had no point of reference to make a intelligence decision. If I never knew you when you were not taking drugs how was I supposed to recognize that you were an addict? It saddens me to think I put all my trust in you to love my children as much as I do. Real love does not tie something down and it sets them free. Which is what I thought you would always let me be but at what cost My Moe?? I would have rather left your love for me go if you had only love them properly.

Dominque, Thoughts of a used to be friend in Brandon. The one who money prestige and appearances mean more that was in his teeny tiny heart. You know the guy the one who was always better than you, the one who always thought he was smarter than you more articulate than you and certainly more intelligent than you. Because that is all that makes the man is his feeling of superiority.

Dominque , I see your soul through my eyes? Is that why your eyes don’t meet mine? There is no gazing into each other’s eyes you avoid looking at me directly. I came to despise the avoidances, the lies the excuses perhaps, even you. You thought I would always be there I’m sure. To give whatever love I had to share. What you didn’t realize is someday after many years it was you I would come to despise. You are not half the man I believed you to be. Even if it took me 13 years . I am so grateful for this. Because now I have been set so free. It is almost sad that you no longer mean anything to me. You say you can no longer be my friend because someone else expressed their opinion of you, in regards to your treatment of me? This is almost funny if it weren’t so very sad. There was so much emptiness in your eyes that I didn’t want to see. So my unfriended, friend it is I who can no longer love you or the avoidances off your eyes. I see now why your marriages failed or why son ran so fast away. Are you even capable of such unconditional love to the rest of the world seems to feel? I’m not going to waste my time thinking about you today. I am a very articulate intelligent woman and I deserve so much more than what this wasn’t. I wasted 13 years of my life to learn a lesson that I don’t have enough life left to live with the lesson. I do know somewhere down the line you may regret a love you threw away I love you will never know and not ever in this time. Are some people really born so blank so cold and unforgiving? I thought that had more with a dead and not the living. I was wrong twice the day I thought I fell in love with you and the years I spent on loving you. They say that all life is a lesson but I believe one should have enough life left in them to take that lesson forward with them. So whatever life I may have left you can bet your sweet booty I will be with the best.

John and all those I’ve lost. Gone from living to the dead.

How does your loving God allow low such ungodly pain?

Not just for me, but all of the human race?

Knowing I will never hear your voice or see your face again?

I’m so alone and afraid, yes afraid to be so alone. Those I love still breathing do not return the unconditional love I […]. I deserve better.

The heart of. Marlene Handly Stack

Moe

I looked in your eyes

Where I lived for 20 years or more, I don’t live there anymore.

Many years have passed, your no longer here. There was a time and place Alden Road and Rockingham, was all I knew all I loved. Defining me into who I now am.

Would it have been better never to have known what I learned there?

What would I have become or defined me, if you’d never have enlightened me..not of love but the terror that finds it’s way into the darkness scaring the very life from me?

Does the Devil exists? My brother knew, he told me..but you..you showed me!!! Now I cling to my brother’s belief The Lord will save me from…the depths you showed me all true a reality. I forbid to see.. I pray you’ve found peace. Not to much to ask for a man as you are..one I dare say I never knew at all..only the projections of what I wanted to believe.. We all grow older if we’re so doomed, to find ourselves, become at peace with all our sins and then a decision comes the one that I’ll choose to be, set free from other’s perception of reality.. Im free to love, forgive myself for the blindness, make peace with my God ,myself. In the end it’s all that’s left. I KNOW without reservation I will be back another life another time, I hope I get it right..

I hope I remember you or lessons taught!! Will it make the walls higher? Or free me to just be happy loving without thee?

Amelia and Me.

Long ago , so far away,

I thought I had a loving family that wouldn’t go away.

I was wrong again ,without any explanation. They suddenly stopped communicating and moved across the country. Completely and totally disowning me. What did I didn’t say,

Love doesn’t look or feel this way. I loved you all then as I do today . You’ve taught me well not to accept being treated this way.

Life is shorter now today , it wasn’t fair for them or me. Time lost I weep for thee. When I’m dead and gone,will they ever know Nanny loved them. Or she really wasn’t crazy on drugs and such.

So God let them know the truth of the women they threw away. How much they are loved, that transendes time and space .I would give anything to have my parents still be here to love and teach me. I’m grateful that I was taught to honor them and love regardlessly. They just weren’t my Dad and Mom, they were people, and did the best they could with what they had. I love and miss them eternally.

I hope someday you’ll actually see, The broken hearts, you succeeded in breaking.

At least you’ll never feel the pain of loving and living, with a hole in your soul, where the cold winds blow.

I often wonder if you were ever capable of loving me at all. I’m glad your happier even when it doesn’t include me.

I have learned to go on and be happy despite this travesty.

I’ve learned the truth of your insane youth. I only hope you don’t recreate this history.

For Big Brother John J. Handley

I’ve been lost and found throughout my life, you always rescued me. You & Stub Paronto pulled me from foster homes. My hero, my brother we understood each other, we knew the pain of abandonment by those who brought us into this world. But we started out as three. Maryanne, you and me. From pillar to post, apart physically but always together. We lived through losing Maryanne when I knew I couldn’t, you helped me understand.                             When Mom took her own life, it was I who carried you through. The darkest of places we ever knew. You were her favorite I understood.                                    I was our father’s favorite, you understood. We vowed space or time, you and I would always be, right or wrong it was our responsibility.                                   Was it the God you always preached to me, who took you so far away. You didn’t want to go and promised me, you wouldn’t leave me alone on earth to face life alone without you. I can’t believe you’re not here on this earth anymore. What kind of loving God could allow such pain inflicted on not just me but all humanity? If you can hear me from where you are, I miss our nightly calls. I miss all the people who once loved me, taken by your God who you said loved all humanity.